A little question meme:
* Leave me a comment saying "Resistance is Futile."
* I'll respond by asking you five questions so I can satisfy my curiosity
* Update your journal with the answers to the questions. Include this explanation in the post and offer to ask other people questions.
Nathreee asked me these questions
1)I want to know about the younger Miellynn. What were you like as a teenager?
That is a difficult question. I'm not sure. From the inside out, I was panicky and very insecure. I think from the outside, I was distant and selfpossessed. I didn't talk to people about how scared I was about things. Mainly about social situations. I felt I wouldn't be able to "be normal and do the normal things" in company. On the other hand, I was very optimistic and very naieve as a teenager.
2)If my book became a movie today and you could pick the actors, who would play which role?
Pauly Perrette as Estha / Melancholy
Zachary Quinto as Topaz
Matthew Mcconaughey as Jareth
Sean Connery as Seeker / Axendo
My choices have to be adjusted for age, and I didn't really take your description of their looks into account. Mostly I form a picture of a character in my mind based on actions and choice of words etc. I do admit I had two candidates for Topaz, it could also have been James Marsters. Of course, I chose people I find attractive...
3)What is that one place in the world you still need to see?
Asia. I have never been there and I would love to see Japan, and China, and Nepal. Probably not going to happen in the near future...
4)If you could travel back in time, where would you go and what would you do?
Do I have to choose only one place and time? I would love to go to scotland sometime after the famine (say, 1810 or thereabouts). Not just Edinborough, but the highlands and the isles as well. And I would really love to see "Wijk bij duurstede" here in the Netherlands around the time of Charlemange. And victorian England. And Italy, Venice specifically in the time of the Doges. Etc and so on and so forth...
5)If you were a goddess, what would you powers be?
If I were a goddess, I would be like Athena. Wisdom, knowlegde, progress. Or... she was a virgin goddess right? Maybe a fertility goddess would be more appropriate at the moment. Maybe Inanna or Demeter...
Friday, 6 November 2009
on pregnancy, take two
I've not been all that well. I am very nauseous, but I do keep food down. BUT... I am sick all day long and all night long. That results in nightmares and very little sleep.
Also, we have probably sold our house. The buyer needs to get his finances in order, and if he manages that before november 28th he's stuck with it.. I am very happy, even though he managed to have us make a loss on the sale. There is a lot of tension coming free about this, and that may also explain some of my nightmares. And hormones of course.
I have had about a week of having approximately 2 hours of sleep a night, divided into 15 minute chunks. I stopped working around then, because my concentration was in tatters.
Now I am up to about 4-5 hours of sleep per night, but I still have nightmares. I wake up in a panic thinking RG is calling me all panicky from the kitchen, to find that he is sleeping peacefully next to me. I have dreamt of soldiers chasing me off the side of a pirate vessel (pirates of the caribbean style)along with our crown prince. I have dreamt of snakes, werewolves and all sorts of other scary stuff.
It is now so bad that I postpone bedtime as much as I can, which is not exactly a good idea if you want more sleep.
Oh well, it is all for a good cause!
Today we had an echo, and we saw the baby being all active and even waving at us! only 11 weeks, and we could count fingers, saw arms and legs and a sort of jumping motion it makes. It was very cool and touching.. and the echo person said it was all fine as far as she could see. (this echo was part of prenatal testing, among others for down syndrome. We will have the result of the blood test later this week.)
Also, we had someone interested in RG's house, and they will come again to look at it tomorrow.
On the side of the less good news, Ex is making trouble. I told him about the baby and he is not happy. I am not sure why exactly, but he is making trouble about the money. I have agreed on a compromise with him, which makes me from january first independent of his income. Which feels very good, but I hate his making waves and trying to make me feel guilty about things. Specifically, nearly living together with RG while still getting partner support from him. I have done nothing wrong, but I do agree with him, that it is not really fair to lean so heavily on his finances.
So we reached a compromise. It doesn't make me happy...but it's okay.
Also, we have probably sold our house. The buyer needs to get his finances in order, and if he manages that before november 28th he's stuck with it.. I am very happy, even though he managed to have us make a loss on the sale. There is a lot of tension coming free about this, and that may also explain some of my nightmares. And hormones of course.
I have had about a week of having approximately 2 hours of sleep a night, divided into 15 minute chunks. I stopped working around then, because my concentration was in tatters.
Now I am up to about 4-5 hours of sleep per night, but I still have nightmares. I wake up in a panic thinking RG is calling me all panicky from the kitchen, to find that he is sleeping peacefully next to me. I have dreamt of soldiers chasing me off the side of a pirate vessel (pirates of the caribbean style)along with our crown prince. I have dreamt of snakes, werewolves and all sorts of other scary stuff.
It is now so bad that I postpone bedtime as much as I can, which is not exactly a good idea if you want more sleep.
Oh well, it is all for a good cause!
Today we had an echo, and we saw the baby being all active and even waving at us! only 11 weeks, and we could count fingers, saw arms and legs and a sort of jumping motion it makes. It was very cool and touching.. and the echo person said it was all fine as far as she could see. (this echo was part of prenatal testing, among others for down syndrome. We will have the result of the blood test later this week.)
Also, we had someone interested in RG's house, and they will come again to look at it tomorrow.
On the side of the less good news, Ex is making trouble. I told him about the baby and he is not happy. I am not sure why exactly, but he is making trouble about the money. I have agreed on a compromise with him, which makes me from january first independent of his income. Which feels very good, but I hate his making waves and trying to make me feel guilty about things. Specifically, nearly living together with RG while still getting partner support from him. I have done nothing wrong, but I do agree with him, that it is not really fair to lean so heavily on his finances.
So we reached a compromise. It doesn't make me happy...but it's okay.
Thursday, 24 September 2009
babies
Well.... I guess it must be true!
I can hardly believe it, but last week I did two pregnancy tests, one on wednesday and one on friday. The one on wednesday gave a very faint positive... and the one on friday was for real.
This is my second cycle after removing the mirena birthcontrol thingy.. and I really am pregnant!
I am stunned, happy, scared, and nauseous as well....
Friday, 4 September 2009
Nothing at all relevant
Okay, on Mommy Melee I saw this list of five thing: Dooce explains what it is here
So, here's mine. And you know, after the fun I had putting these pictures together, I noticed that I am a succer for strong faces with eyes that are either dreamy (viggo, johnny) or twinkly (matthew, ryan).
Viggo Mortensen
Johnny Depp
Ryan Renolds
Matthew McConaughey
Antonio Banderas
So, here's mine. And you know, after the fun I had putting these pictures together, I noticed that I am a succer for strong faces with eyes that are either dreamy (viggo, johnny) or twinkly (matthew, ryan).
Viggo Mortensen
Johnny Depp
Ryan Renolds
Matthew McConaughey
Antonio Banderas
Wednesday, 26 August 2009
Rambles
* We went on holiday to france.. it was great! We were near Lac Leman, the largest lake in europe near Geneva. There was water for swimming, there were mountains for climbing (by train mainly, but still) we saw the Mont Blanc, we went on a steamboat and looked at the steam engine, we ate french bread and brie cheese… it was lovely.
* For RG this was the first holiday with a 4yearold child. If you haven’t had a vacation with a child you don’t realize how much it changes the concept of a holiday. No sleeping late, no going to nice restaurants (especially in france where restaurants don’t open untill way after childrens bedtime) no quiet afternoon with a book. RG loves Max but he hadn’t been around him for 24/7, two weeks at a stretch. It took some adjusting. And after solving the communication problem, we did great.
* About communication… when RG first found out about the holiday-with-a-4yearold he didn’t talk about it. Somehow his perfectionist mind told him it is not good to need a moment for yourself, that it makes you a bad (step)parent to want some time on your own. The consequence of this was that he tired himself out, got distant and such. That meant nobody really enjoyed what we were doing. He didn’t because he needed rest, I didn’t because I was wondering what the hell was up, and Max didn’t because he knew we where not. It took a day or two to sort this out, not the best days of the vacation. When you get a baby, this kind of thing sorts itself out pretty darn quickly, because baby’s require constant attention. And you need to switch off sometimes. Even though I went trough all that with ex, I didn’t forsee it coming back now. I’m almost curious what’s next on the list of “living with a child in 100 easy steps or 5 big leaps” that RG seems to follow.
* When Max returned to school, I heard other parents exclaim, well now mý vacation is starting! I am so happy he goes back to school! I don’t feel like that at all, and thankfully neither does RG. We both miss the constant company of my kid, who is growing up so fast and who can be really good company!
* Back to work, and that fast back with my nose to the grindstone. I like my job, but now that we are finally with a full complement of co-workers, my boss went on pregnancy leave, my direct collegue has a burn-out and is at home, and another collegue announced her own pregnancy. GAAH… I am NOT going to do all the work. It will be someone elses problem for once….
* And while on the topic of pregnancy, I will never use a mirena again. The implantation was REALLY painful for me. The removal much less, but about 5 days later I got the period from hell. It lasted about 10 days and I hated every second of it. Last month I had a 31 day cycle, which had me doing a pregnancy test (negative of course) on day 29. They say that the hormones in the mirena are much less invasive than those in the pill. I can’t say I noticed a difference though.
* For RG this was the first holiday with a 4yearold child. If you haven’t had a vacation with a child you don’t realize how much it changes the concept of a holiday. No sleeping late, no going to nice restaurants (especially in france where restaurants don’t open untill way after childrens bedtime) no quiet afternoon with a book. RG loves Max but he hadn’t been around him for 24/7, two weeks at a stretch. It took some adjusting. And after solving the communication problem, we did great.
* About communication… when RG first found out about the holiday-with-a-4yearold he didn’t talk about it. Somehow his perfectionist mind told him it is not good to need a moment for yourself, that it makes you a bad (step)parent to want some time on your own. The consequence of this was that he tired himself out, got distant and such. That meant nobody really enjoyed what we were doing. He didn’t because he needed rest, I didn’t because I was wondering what the hell was up, and Max didn’t because he knew we where not. It took a day or two to sort this out, not the best days of the vacation. When you get a baby, this kind of thing sorts itself out pretty darn quickly, because baby’s require constant attention. And you need to switch off sometimes. Even though I went trough all that with ex, I didn’t forsee it coming back now. I’m almost curious what’s next on the list of “living with a child in 100 easy steps or 5 big leaps” that RG seems to follow.
* When Max returned to school, I heard other parents exclaim, well now mý vacation is starting! I am so happy he goes back to school! I don’t feel like that at all, and thankfully neither does RG. We both miss the constant company of my kid, who is growing up so fast and who can be really good company!
* Back to work, and that fast back with my nose to the grindstone. I like my job, but now that we are finally with a full complement of co-workers, my boss went on pregnancy leave, my direct collegue has a burn-out and is at home, and another collegue announced her own pregnancy. GAAH… I am NOT going to do all the work. It will be someone elses problem for once….
* And while on the topic of pregnancy, I will never use a mirena again. The implantation was REALLY painful for me. The removal much less, but about 5 days later I got the period from hell. It lasted about 10 days and I hated every second of it. Last month I had a 31 day cycle, which had me doing a pregnancy test (negative of course) on day 29. They say that the hormones in the mirena are much less invasive than those in the pill. I can’t say I noticed a difference though.
Thursday, 9 July 2009
News
Nothing all that shocking, I don't think..
RG and me decided we are going to get married. I've always known he wanted to, and we discussed it often. At one point, I asked him. Then about 3 weeks ago, his dad had a scare with stomach cancer, my mother had to go for a mammogram because there was a slight possibility that her breast cancer had returned. After a week of tension, they found RG's dad had a bacterial infection, and my mum's mammogram was fine. In that week we decided that if his dad was really ill, we would get married as soon as possible. And after the good news had settled, we started asking ourselves what exactly we where waiting for? For the !@#$% house to sell? That can take forever, I don't want to wait for that...
But we won't hurry. I want the date to accommodate the wedding, not the other way around. So we are leisurely talking about guest lists and locations, and when we find a place we like we will work out a date with them. We are kind of aiming for april/may 2010.
We haven't told ex yet. I am going to tell him when we have a date, and when RG's house is on the market as well.
We have told the rest of the family. My parents are quietly happy, RG's family greeted the news with cheers. Before we told his parents, RG went down on one knee and formally asked me. He said, just to be sure. And I am sure.
The second bit of news is this; next week I'm, no WE are going to the obgyn to remove my mirena. And then we'll see what happens.
It just might be that 2010 is going to be a busy year...
RG and me decided we are going to get married. I've always known he wanted to, and we discussed it often. At one point, I asked him. Then about 3 weeks ago, his dad had a scare with stomach cancer, my mother had to go for a mammogram because there was a slight possibility that her breast cancer had returned. After a week of tension, they found RG's dad had a bacterial infection, and my mum's mammogram was fine. In that week we decided that if his dad was really ill, we would get married as soon as possible. And after the good news had settled, we started asking ourselves what exactly we where waiting for? For the !@#$% house to sell? That can take forever, I don't want to wait for that...
But we won't hurry. I want the date to accommodate the wedding, not the other way around. So we are leisurely talking about guest lists and locations, and when we find a place we like we will work out a date with them. We are kind of aiming for april/may 2010.
We haven't told ex yet. I am going to tell him when we have a date, and when RG's house is on the market as well.
We have told the rest of the family. My parents are quietly happy, RG's family greeted the news with cheers. Before we told his parents, RG went down on one knee and formally asked me. He said, just to be sure. And I am sure.
The second bit of news is this; next week I'm, no WE are going to the obgyn to remove my mirena. And then we'll see what happens.
It just might be that 2010 is going to be a busy year...
Monday, 6 July 2009
Max
I got pregnant in march 2004, and expected to give birth on december 17. I had a fairly uneventful pregnancy. I had some trouble with varicose veins and lots of checkups with the obgyn for echoes of the baby’s heart and my own.
When there was no sign of the baby around Christmas I got worried. Something felt wrong, somehow, and on Boxing Day I told my mother I doubted there would be a baby. She put it down as pregnancy hormones, but the next day I went to the midwife and she sent me to the hospital. Because I felt wrongness, and she did too. We couldn’t specify what it was, but there it was anyway.
So I went back and forth between the midwife and the hospital for 3 days, and on December 28th I told the hospital it still didn’t feel right. They told me, you can come back tomorrow, or you can stay the night here. We’ll do what you feel is right. We cannot really find anything wrong either, but you are 11 days over your due date. We’ll listen to you. So I made an appointment to come back at 11 the next day. I had an appointment with a physical therapist for my varicose veins at 9, so I could easily get from one to the other.
Ex stayed at home during those appointments, we thought that if labour started he would have enough time to get to the hospital with me. Also, there was some work being done in our house at that time, nothing we couldn’t reschedule, but anyway. There I went, with my huge stomach in my car, driving all over the place.
And when I arrived at the hospital, they put me on a bed with a band around my belly, measuring the baby’s heartbeat. I took the book I brought out of my handbag and settled down.
And then… the baby’s heartbeat stopped. This was not at first a sign for panic, because when the baby shifted the measure thingy always lost the signal. But when after some trying they couldn’t find the heartbeat again, they brought out an echo machine. On that, I could see the baby’s heart. Now, for someone who has never seen echo readout, it is hard to decipher what you are seeing. I have all my life seen my own heart on echo regularly and the baby’s heart at least 5 times before. I knew exactly what I was seeing, and that was a heart that beat about 5 times a minute. NOT GOOD, it should have been around 140 times per minute.
Someone ran to find the obgyn, he ordered something and when the needle was literally already in my leg, he told me the stuff would affect my heart. So I told him my previous history and he yelled for another syringe of something. I stayed really calm and managed to give clear and lucid answers to all questions, while a doctor was on the phone telling the OR we were coming, and a nurse was calling ex on another line to tell him to come, but not to hurry because his child would already be born when he got there.
Then they started running with my bed (and me on it) for the OR. When we were in the elevator, I asked if the baby was still alive. They told me it could be either way. When they pushed me through the doors of the OR I gave someone my glasses and my watch, but they just pushed my sweater up over my belly. I told them the baby’s name, because I didn't want them to treat him like babyX. Specifically not when they were the first to touch him, and he might be dead or dying. then they gave me a mouthcap, telling me it was oxygen, and that the baby needed that. I started breathing deeply.....
And the next thing I know, I am being pushed, still on the same bed, towards the gyneacology clinic by ex and a nurse. And I have never been more sick in my life. Anesthetic after a normal breakfast is not something I recommend.
I asked if the baby was alive, and they told me he was doing well and coughing his little head off. They asked if I wanted to see him, and I told them not unless they wanted me to throw up all over him. I spent a few minutes getting the sickness under control, and then started asking for the baby.
They told me there was a good chance he had had too little oxygen and that that may have resulted in brain damage. But he was doing really well, beyond all their expectations. He was breathing well, looking okay and his apgar score went from 5 to 8 in 5 minutes.
I cannot tell you how I felt, because it was such a jumble of elation, fear, hope and misery.. I had trouble the first day to realize Max was really mine.
When there was no sign of the baby around Christmas I got worried. Something felt wrong, somehow, and on Boxing Day I told my mother I doubted there would be a baby. She put it down as pregnancy hormones, but the next day I went to the midwife and she sent me to the hospital. Because I felt wrongness, and she did too. We couldn’t specify what it was, but there it was anyway.
So I went back and forth between the midwife and the hospital for 3 days, and on December 28th I told the hospital it still didn’t feel right. They told me, you can come back tomorrow, or you can stay the night here. We’ll do what you feel is right. We cannot really find anything wrong either, but you are 11 days over your due date. We’ll listen to you. So I made an appointment to come back at 11 the next day. I had an appointment with a physical therapist for my varicose veins at 9, so I could easily get from one to the other.
Ex stayed at home during those appointments, we thought that if labour started he would have enough time to get to the hospital with me. Also, there was some work being done in our house at that time, nothing we couldn’t reschedule, but anyway. There I went, with my huge stomach in my car, driving all over the place.
And when I arrived at the hospital, they put me on a bed with a band around my belly, measuring the baby’s heartbeat. I took the book I brought out of my handbag and settled down.
And then… the baby’s heartbeat stopped. This was not at first a sign for panic, because when the baby shifted the measure thingy always lost the signal. But when after some trying they couldn’t find the heartbeat again, they brought out an echo machine. On that, I could see the baby’s heart. Now, for someone who has never seen echo readout, it is hard to decipher what you are seeing. I have all my life seen my own heart on echo regularly and the baby’s heart at least 5 times before. I knew exactly what I was seeing, and that was a heart that beat about 5 times a minute. NOT GOOD, it should have been around 140 times per minute.
Someone ran to find the obgyn, he ordered something and when the needle was literally already in my leg, he told me the stuff would affect my heart. So I told him my previous history and he yelled for another syringe of something. I stayed really calm and managed to give clear and lucid answers to all questions, while a doctor was on the phone telling the OR we were coming, and a nurse was calling ex on another line to tell him to come, but not to hurry because his child would already be born when he got there.
Then they started running with my bed (and me on it) for the OR. When we were in the elevator, I asked if the baby was still alive. They told me it could be either way. When they pushed me through the doors of the OR I gave someone my glasses and my watch, but they just pushed my sweater up over my belly. I told them the baby’s name, because I didn't want them to treat him like babyX. Specifically not when they were the first to touch him, and he might be dead or dying. then they gave me a mouthcap, telling me it was oxygen, and that the baby needed that. I started breathing deeply.....
And the next thing I know, I am being pushed, still on the same bed, towards the gyneacology clinic by ex and a nurse. And I have never been more sick in my life. Anesthetic after a normal breakfast is not something I recommend.
I asked if the baby was alive, and they told me he was doing well and coughing his little head off. They asked if I wanted to see him, and I told them not unless they wanted me to throw up all over him. I spent a few minutes getting the sickness under control, and then started asking for the baby.
They told me there was a good chance he had had too little oxygen and that that may have resulted in brain damage. But he was doing really well, beyond all their expectations. He was breathing well, looking okay and his apgar score went from 5 to 8 in 5 minutes.
I cannot tell you how I felt, because it was such a jumble of elation, fear, hope and misery.. I had trouble the first day to realize Max was really mine.
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